FORGOT TO PUT SOMETHING ON DID WE!!!

For those of you who didn’t come and see it, I was in pantomime last week. I was playing the role of Aladdin which involved very little acting as I just had to walk around being rather cocky!! Throughout the pantomime I had been wearing a ring – by rubbing the ring I could summon the ‘Slave of the Ring’ who would grant me my every wish. During the last scene I gave the ring back to the slave thereby giving him his freedom.

I had to change my costume during the interval so I’d taken the ring off so as not to ladder my tights. It wasn’t until approx 1 min before I had to give the ring to the slave that I realised I wasn’t wearing it. Unfortunately I was on stage! What followed was not unlike the scene in four weddings and a funeral when Hugh Grant has forgotten the wedding rings! Transpired the only ring on stage was being worn by the slave himself, so with a slight of the hand, he gave me his ring – I then gave it back to him in a dramatic flourish!!!

Marvellous I thought – that’s my enormous gaff for the week over and done with. I was so wrong!!

I’d taken the week off work and on Friday afternoon I was very tired so decided to have a nap. I couldn’t be arsed to put on my pyjamas so I just took my bra off and slept in what I was wearing. I woke up, got ready, went to the theatre and prepared to get changed into my Aladdin outfit. Only then did I realise I’d forgotten to put my bra back on!

Obviously this was a major issue. I confided in the ladies next to me that I had forgotten my bra and transpired that some of them had spare bras. Amazing I thought – I can’t manage to bring one bra and some people have brought as many as 3!!!

So the day was saved! And then a lovely surprise was to follow. I popped on the bra that was being leant which was several cup sizes larger than I usually wear. I was expecting it to flap about – however I filled it more than I thought. Transpires I’ve gone up a cup size.

So not only did I get to be the star of the show but my boobs got bigger. It’s this kind of week you can only dream of!

'PAINT' DRAMA

Child and I have had quite a fraught week.  I'm tired from being pregnant and having a rare immunological disease whilst running my own business and trying to keep house which this week has additionally included cleaning the windows.  She's got a cold.  This leads to grumpy child and grumpy grown up, epitomised beautifully by me putting her on the naughty step in bushy park only to have her take her shorts off and throw them at me!

So tonight I've decided that I'm going to be super uber nice to her.  She's tired and poorly after all - she needs her mummy to be nice.  We snuggled up with some smarties and Peppa Pig.  After a while she disappeared off upstairs to 'get a toy'.  On coming back down the toy turned out to be my mascara and she had painted the backs of her hands, her arms and her cardigan using said mascara.

And breath.  And count to 10.  And breath.

"You know that's naughty to use mummy's mascara like that" I said in a calm but serious voice.  "We need to wash it off your hands".  She screamed.  She ran.  I caught her.  I tried to clean her.  She resisted.  I wrestled her to the floor.  She wiped mascara on the carpet.  I put her on the naughty step.

I didn't shout at her though!  In the two minutes that she sat on the naughty step I put the mascara in the bin.  It's just easier!

Lost child found. Still looking for brain!

I got to the childminder's house to pick up Child.  Knocked on the door - no answer.  I'm now starting to panic a bit.  I've come out without my phone and I didn't check it before leaving the house.  The childminder's car has gone so they've obviously had to dash off.  I try the neighbour on one side who I know is a friend of her's but she's not in either.

But it's OK because one of my Story Storks customers lives the other side!  I knock on her door and she welcomes me with open arms and shows me to her phone so that I can ring my husband.  The plan is that I'll call Hubby, he'll have the childminder's number so he can call and find out where she is.

I explain the situation to him.

He tells me that it's the other childminder who looks after Child on a Tuesday and has done for the past six months.

Clever and pretty!!!!

Students - again

I do love a good party but the fact that I have to get up at 6am most mornings now has put the kybosh on those days (temporarily). I also prefer to be at the party rather than listening to it from across the street. Live and let live I thought; after all the students has duck taped a duvet to the window to try and reduce the noise from the DJ??? Kingston University must be well hard to get into with such intelligent people attending it!

I did get a bit of a lie in but when I got up with Rachel I discovered that at 7:30 they were still going. OK, I thought. But it continued on and off all sodding day. I wasn't able to go anywhere near my bed as it was vibrating to the beat of the music. They finally finished at 5pm when there is absolutely no chance of another nap.

I came very close to writing a letter. I didn't this time round. After all, I got to sleep for a little bit in the back room as my husband kindly drank enough Cider to spend the night in an alcoholic coma. But my pen is poised and the next time those posh tosers invite their boarding school chums over I'll be writing to them god damn it.

One Act play rejected!!!!

I've just had a one act play rejected from the CornerHouse One Acts festival in Tolworth. I don't know the first thing about the festival so my play wasn't 'tonally' correct for the festival but the feedback is so lovely that I just had to share it.

Still Young

POSITIVES: daring; very well written; convincing and believable dialogue; three good, strong characters; really believable; flowed very well; really liked this

NEGATIVES: food fight calls for serious choreography; f-word; unsuitable for family audiences; feels more awkward than funny; overplayed slapstick

• Rather daring entry for the CH based on teenaged student's suspicion (justified as we see in the pay-off!) that his 30s-something single mum is having it away with his best friend. Sprinkling of the 'F' word, although appropriate for the characters and not over-used, would justify an 'Adults Only' flag in the programme. Script calls for a half-hearted comedic fight between the lads, involving tomato sauce and food bits which would call for some serious choreography. Would be best-suited for final slot of the evening.
• Cast of two men, one woman. The young men are friends, but the realisation dawns on one that the other may be having a fling with his mother. The audience is strung along. Is he having an affair? Isn’t he? Adult conversation, including the f-word, which makes it unsuitable for family audiences, and probably a bit strong for sleepy Tolworth. It’s very well written, though, and might be worth using for a more adult one-act evening, rather than the general one. Convincing and believable dialogue, and three good, strong characters.
• I thought this was really well written, I liked the way the "internal" scenes within the piece put different pairings of the trio together one after another to comment on the unfolding storyline. Characters really believable - the whole thing flowed very well. One scene - need to suggest a kitchen - but doable, I would imagine. I really liked this. But - & I don't think I'm being over-prissy - I don't think it's suitable for a family audience - the subject matter, some of the references & language - which you need to keep it real.
• A rather sign-posted take on the rites of passage for a young man. Bills itself as a comedy but feels more awkward than funny. Overplayed slapstick ending is at odds with the feel of the rest. Adult themes and some (necessary?) swearing.
• This was good although some reservations about the family audience. I think the title could have been more imaginative. I liked it but think there would need to be some adaptations.

X-Factor Blues

Normally I feel empty at this time of year. At soon as X-Factor finishes, it's like a friend leaves the country to go off traveling. I know I'll see them again but it doesn't stop me missing them terribly. But not this year. I'm glad it's over because, quite frankly, they lost me when Diva Fever got voted off.

X-Factor worked because it was like Panto. There were the same old characters doing the same old things but it was brilliant. And then Simon Cowell fell in love, turned into a nice fella and 'whooosh' - the magic was gone.

I think Sean Ryder to replace Simon Cowell. That would make it interesting. Or Gordon Ramsay. None of the judges makes any sense so I don't think they need to limit themselves to people in the music industry.

Matt is a great singer and Rebecca a worthy runner up. I would like to have seen one erection (as they have come to be known in our house) in second place though so that I could be rooting for the other person to win. For the first time in ages I really didn't care who won - not good.

It was all too nice. This is not what I signed up for!!!

Letter to my Lib Dem MP

Dear Mr Ed Davey, Lib Dem MP for Kingston, Surbiton and other posh places,

I voted for you and for once I actually did some research and voted for you based on your policies. Next time I shan’t bother. I shall choose who I vote for in the same way that I chose which dog I’m going to bet on at Wimbledon Dog Track – comedy names! So far that method has never let me down.

Right now, having seen that you voted for the increase in University tuition fees despite pledging during your election campaign not to do so, I can’t help but compare you to a page three model. They’ll happily wop out their lovely bits whilst they’re becoming famous enough to warrant a career in television but as soon as they reach that point, away go their principals never to be seen again. I’ve always wondered if they ever really wanted to get them out in the first place, and now I’m wondering that about you.

I left university with ‘student’ debts and they set a pattern for my twenties of never quite having enough money to cover all of my living expenses and being able to live the lifestyle that my new graduate job deserved. Students are generally short of funds but the idea is that they should be rewarded for their studies by having loads of dosh once they graduate and get a job. This generation won’t because you’ll be clawing it all back in loans (and 40% tax lest we forget). Only in middle age will their money be their own. Some will leave with £27,000 of debt; that’s the cost of a wedding and a good car! We’ll know the intelligent couples by the fact that they couldn’t afford a wedding!

But of course that’s not true because those who go to University will have Daddy’s who can pay their fees and buy them a Vera Wang gown.

I do appreciate that cuts need to be made all round and I understand the reasons why. Can I put forward a couple of suggestions.

1. Reduce the number of places. You will achieve the same result of fewer people going to University but you will discriminate based on intelligence rather than wealth.
2. Cut English degrees. I’ve never seen the point. If people want to spend 5 hours a week reading a book and discussing it form a book club – it costs less to the tax payer.
3. Cut elections. Clearly they’re a waste of time because as soon as some-one gets into power they’ll do whatever they want anyway.

If you need any further suggestions on how to run the country I’m sure the secret services know exactly where to find me, what I’m wearing and what I had for lunch.

Kind regards

Sarah

Russia - is that really in Europe???

I do feel for David Beckham. He's shaking off his image of being a bit of a thicky and is becoming an ambassador for British sport which is brilliant. I have no doubt that he and the whole British team poured their hearts and souls into the World Cup bid. We had a Prince, two Prime Ministers and a handful of legends. But it wasn't enough.

So what did we need to do to win this bid? It seems to be coming down to two things.

1. Silence our press; or

2. Dig behind the sofa for spare change, stick it in a brown envelope and give it to the FIFA officials.

I don't know the answer but the more I hear and read about the matter it seems to me we're better off out of it. FIFA seems to be run by a bunch of scoundrels. I watched the Panorama program and couldn't help but notice that every one of the FIFA members accused of corruption also looked evil. They wouldn't have been out of place on the stand of a war crimes trial. Are they being accused because they happen to look like they might be up to no good or have they come to look like that because they are up to no good. I'm not sure this one will ever be answered.

The Panorama program was put together by a man who has been trying to prove the corruption in FIFA for 20 years and has been banned from their premises. He clearly has his own drum to beat. However, I was amazed by the terms and conditions which FIFA ask countries to abide to. They keep these secret but the Dutch, being scared of no-one, published them and they were rather shocking. The host country has to change their laws to accommodate FIFA including Tax breaks and change/scrap immigration policies. Britain is a nice place - no-one would leave afterwards. The whole country would be full of even more football fans. It's hard enough to get to the bar at the moment as it is! David Cameron didn't hesitate to sign this. A bit of perspective please.

The Dutch also worked out the costs to their country and estimated that hosting the world cup would cost them many millions - not make them many millions. So why the hell do it??

I'm married to a football fan. He goes to away matches which makes him quite hardcore. Over the time I've been with him I've come to understand that Football is much more than just a game. Football fans will support their team come rain or shine and on losing streaks that are longer than their own life spans because..... football is emotional. Football, and sport, is now being marketed as entertainment. But it isn't, because to claim it's entertainment is to say that the customers have a choice on who they go to see. They don't have a choice - they will only go and see their own team... because they are emotionally attached.

Football is also about pride. Fans are proud of their teams. Well, fans of good teams are proud of their teams - the other half want to be proud of their team, if only their team could kick the bloody ball in a straight line and towards the oppositions goal for a change.

In the same way that you end up paying nearly £10 for a cup of tea and a sandwich on the train because you have no choice of vendor, football fans are ripe for exploitation.

I'm going to end with a question. If we have the money to host a world cup, why don't we just do it? Bypass FIFA. Set up our own federation. They do it in wrestling all the time! FIFA won't change because they have no need to. A bit of competition might give them a kick up the arse.

FIFA only have power because we give it to them.

But what do I know, I'm just a girl.